


A Barn Raising

by Pandora (paperclipbutterfly)



Series: Plot Bunnies and Rogue Foxes [7]
Category: Zootopia (2016)
Genre: Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, Breastfeeding, Found Family, Gen, Implied/Referenced Infanticide, Mother-Son Relationship, Motherhood, Postpartum Depression, and that will screw with your head, but police officers have seen some stuff, listen, no one dies
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-30
Updated: 2020-03-30
Packaged: 2021-02-28 17:35:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,789
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23361070
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/paperclipbutterfly/pseuds/Pandora
Summary: Nadine Fangmeyer's pregnancy comes to an end as Zootopia welcomes her new little bundle of joy. But joy is the last thing Nadine is feeling as she attempts to navigate the choppy waters of motherhood alone. When she finds herself in over her head and starting to go under, she doesn't even know how to reach out for help. Luckily for her and her new son, good friends can always be counted on to throw out a life line... whether it's asked for or not.
Relationships: Fangmeyer & Judy Hopps
Series: Plot Bunnies and Rogue Foxes [7]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1270664
Comments: 27
Kudos: 43





	A Barn Raising

**Author's Note:**

> Herein lies the frayed end of the little thread of continuity that has been weaving through a couple of these plot bunnies. Be careful where you tread... but while it may have a bleak beginning, you can count on a bit of light by the end.
> 
> Title and premise inspired by a twitter thread that you can find [here](https://twitter.com/sheilakathleen/status/1005116845240848385).
> 
> Enjoy!

Motherhood was something that was supposed to just come naturally. “Maternal instinct” were words Nadine Fangmeyer had heard repeatedly, _ad nauseum_ , for months as her delivery date came closer and she grew more and more anxious. It was a common answer to a lot of questions she had as a first-time mother. “Oh, don’t worry, you’ll just _know,_ ” and “once he’s here, it’ll all just fall right into place.” She read all the books, watched the videos online. She thought she was ready.

Boy, was she wrong.

For the entirety of her pregnancy, Nadine had been absolutely _overloaded_ with feelings, reactions that burst and exploded at the slightest provocation. There was nowhere else for all the emotions to _go_ , they were so big and so many. Looking at the newborn cub in her arms, the only thing she could think was that she must, in fact, be broken.

Because now she felt nothing at all.

Liam Alexander Fangmeyer was born at 2:13 am on a Thursday, an uncomplicated delivery that both mother and cub made through whole and healthy. The two days spent at the hospital passed for Nadine in a haze, unremarkable and uneventful. The nurses were polite, kind, accommodating. They helped her get her bearings, get him nursing well enough. And then, before she knew it, they just… let her go. Let her walk out the door with a new little life, tiny and blind and helpless. Trusted that she had this all well in paw.

It was clear to her from the start they were greatly mistaken.

Nadine tried to plan ahead. In the final weeks of her pregnancy she’d gone into a fit of preparation, what someone had once referred to as a “nesting” instinct. Her apartment was too small, she decided in the middle of the night the first day of her maternity leave. The next morning, she signed a lease for a bigger place, a condo with two bedrooms, already vacant and ready to be moved into. Three days of packing later she had movers haul all of her belongings to the new location. The nursery was meticulously arranged first, all the furniture put together, the freshly-washed clothes put away, the cute jungle décor and decals up on the walls. Everything for her new son was fine-tuned, well-handled, _over_ -handled. Everything left for her was… barely handled.

She walked into a house of boxes the first day she brought him home.

For some time—a long time, she realized when the shadows on the floor were all at once much longer than they were when she first opened the door—she just stood in the entrance and stared. In the little carrier seat at her feet the mewling cub stirred and jolted her from the emotionless break she had been stuck in.

 _First, him,_ the robotic logic of her overtaxed brain directed. _Later, all of that._

Somehow, ‘later’ never really came, though.

Nadine knew firsthand—witnessed—that being a mother was absolutely something that could be failed at. Those uncountable calls where she’d had to assess the shaken, the choked, the neglected, the abused. All the possible endings that might be visited upon her cub—by her own paws, no less—churned over and over in her brain, eddied between every thought. She never believed that such a monumental failure would happen to her and now, every time he fed or squirmed or cried it seemed like it was inevitable.

The days and nights bled together, dark and joyless, without even a mote of light to separate them. She forgot to shower one day completely. No, that wasn’t quite right… not that she’d forgotten, just that every time she thought to move to the bathroom for that purpose, she was jerked back by the only real emotion that she was able to finally recognize in her brain.

Terror.

The initial joyful phone calls from her sister and her partner from work she dispensed with the night she came home, and then summarily ignored thereafter. The thought of picking up to all the questions she wasn’t ready to answer—that sounded to her so much like an interrogation—filled her to the brim with even more dread. Every one of them went right to voicemail and sat unlistened to and unacknowledged until some as yet undetermined future time when the terror didn’t grip her chest and make her voice wobble.

It began to consume her waking hours, of which there were many more than there should have been. Meals—when it occurred to her to eat—were small and quick. Little Liam she held and fed chest to chest bolt upright and sometimes for hours, until he nursed himself asleep again. She bathed him—methodically and mechanically—not in the tub but the old-fashioned way, with a cloth and her tongue. Established ever more contact as all the books stressed was so important in these days when he was still unable to see, to hear her voice. The thought of a faucet and running water anywhere near him petrified her, the image of the bloated pup she had to fish from an overfilled bath five years ago worming its way into her mind’s eye.

Sleep was a luxury she decided she couldn’t afford in the home that was still not completely put together. She would stand to rock him, so there was no possibility that she’d fall asleep with him in her arms, in her bed. That she would roll and accidentally smother him, like that hippo had done to her new calf three summers ago. Liam slept in his own crib (no bumpers, no blankets, no stuffies), and she stared unblinking at the screen of the monitor on her nightstand for hours, trying to determine if his chest was still rising and falling as it should. Watching, not daring to close her eyes lest she miss something critical, something dreadful and hidden, that would take him away while she wasn’t looking. It happened so fast, they warned, one second everything perfectly normal and the next, suddenly…

If she lost him, it would be her fault. Vigilance was the only option, to keep on guard and keep ready… keep careful… keep alert…

* * *

_Beep beep! Beep beep! Beep beep! Beep beep!_

Nadine bolted awake gasping, heart pounding as a deluge of adrenaline surged through her. She turned automatically to the end-table and the little screen, but it was dark. The sea of sheets she was wrapped in sent her into a panic. She tore into them as her mind raced, searching frantically for a missing memory, unable to remember when she’d laid down or where she put her baby before doing so.

“Liam? Liam!” she yelled, recognizing briefly how stupid that was. How could he answer her when his ears didn’t yet accept the sound of her voice, when he didn’t know his own name? Again and again Nadine called for him until she was near tears as she sifted through the blankets. Finally, she threw them off the bed altogether and flew from the bedroom.

 _Pack-and-play?_ No. _Bouncy seat?_ No. _Bassinette?_ No. She was to the kitchen and back again in seconds, scanning all the places that she’d lay him as she went. Twice she stubbed her foot into boxes and forced herself to ignore the ensuing pain. Back to the bedrooms again in another few seconds, then to the place she realized she probably should have looked first: the nursery crib.

There he was, sleeping soundly, safe and undisturbed by her fit of frantic panic as she threw the door open. He stirred and she immediately backed out of the room again, somehow managing to close the door softly as the adrenaline began to ebb. She trudged back to her room and to the ringing noise that her phone was still making. Her finger swiped automatically over the screen to turn it off.

Nadine was halfway through the living room and about to sit on the couch when…

<Hello?> a far away and mildly electronic voice asked from somewhere very close-by. <Nadine? Hello?>

She froze and snapped her head around at the additional jolt to her chest. It was only another second before she realized where the voice that was still calling to her was coming from. She stared down at the phone in her paw, which was lit up with the grinning face of a little gray rabbit.

_Shit._

“Oh… Judy, hi.” Nadine put the phone to her ear after wrestling internally with herself to just ‘accidentally’ hang up. “Sorry, I, ah… thought it was my alarm for a second.” She pulled her cheeks back into what she hoped would sound something like a smile. “How’s it going?”

A pause. <I was about to ask you the same thing. We’ve all been calling the past few days. Is everything okay?>

“Oh, yeeeaaaah,” she said, and managed to soften the yawn that stretched out her words like taffy. “You know. Just getting used to all… _this_.”

Nadine gestured generally at the unkempt room and all the mess therein like Judy was there to witness it. She felt a fleeting moment of actual relief that she wasn’t.

There was a longer pause on the other end of the phone. When Judy spoke again her voice had taken on an overly neutral, patient tone. <Certainly takes getting used to, I’m sure. We drove past your apartment yesterday to bring you lunch but the place looked empty.>

“Oh.” Nadine blinked and her ears flagged. It wasn’t a question, but it sounded like one. She felt embarrassment well in her throat. “That’s right… I moved.”

<You… moved.> A short pause followed before Judy asked, <When did this happen?>

“I don’t know, ah… couple of weeks ago?”

<You moved within days of having your cub?> The patience in her voice was now giving way to a mild kind of judgment that made the tiger’s hackles raise. <Isn’t that a little—?>

“It was too small,” Nadine snapped. Her muzzle wrinkled as her words turned sharp as her teeth. “The neighborhood wasn’t great. I didn’t want Liam in that apartment, so I moved. Is that a problem?”

<Okay, easy… you know what’s right for your family, I get it.> Back to a pleasant, conversational tone again, light and polite. <So, where did you move to, then?>

“Rainforest District. Ficus Grove. It’s nice. There’s a playground down the street.”

<Can’t wait to see it. How about tomorrow?>

“Ah…” Tightness wracked her chest again as her eyes darted around the living room. “Maybe not the best time right now… still unpacking things, and uh…”

<You’re not unpacked yet?> The loudest pause followed her question. <Nadine, are you okay? You sound… different.>

“I ran out of time. That’s all.” A sudden and explosive wail from the nursery rose up behind her. Nadine was almost grateful for it. “Baby’s crying. I need to go.”

<…Okay.> Another pause, softer. <We miss you.>

She stared at the mirror on the wall. The thin, haggard reflection that didn’t really look like her at all stared back. “Yeah… I do too. Bye.”

* * *

When Nick returned to his desk, he found Judy staring at the cellphone in her paw with deep creases in her forehead and her nose twitching a mile a minute.

“Wow, that’s a face,” he said, ears tucking back as he set himself down in his chair. “Bad phone call?”

“No… and yes…” She put her phone on her desk and rubbed her nose to make the wiggling stop. “Nadine finally picked up.”

Nick’s ears perked again. “Well, that’s good, isn’t it? Started to think something happened.”

“I’m not so sure it didn’t.” Judy drummed her claws against the desk and leveled a somber look at him. “Are you doing anything after work tomorrow, Nick?”

“Not yet.” He quirked an eyebrow. “You have something in mind?”

She nodded. “Yes. Yes, I do.”

* * *

Liam began the next morning crying a very different kind of cry. It had a desperate quality to it, and no amount of shushing or soothing words did anything to placate him. When he nursed, he fell asleep in her arms eventually, but would wake up again only minutes later when she tried to move him to his swing, wailing with renewed fervor.

 _Pacifier?_ No. _Diaper?_ No. _Gas?_ No. _Too hot, too cold?_ No and no, what was wrong with him? When the late afternoon rolled around she could handle the sound no longer, and finally broke down to call her sister, Alena, out in Cattanooga.

<If he’s been eating normally and doesn’t have a fever, he may just be colicky,> she said casually, paying no heed to the sound of crying she must have heard in the background. <Jojo was a complete nightmare when we brought him home and that was why.>

“I thought that nursing was supposed to keep that from happening,” Nadine said, voice pitched over Liam’s pitiful sobs as she attempted to rock him in her arms.

<Well, there are no guarantees with babies, are there?> Her sister’s voice had a glib kind of quality to it, like that was a funny sort of joke. <You’re not eating anything spicy or bitter, are you? That can come out in your milk, you know.>

 _No, I didn’t know that, thanks_ , Nadine thought to herself sullenly at the almost critical tone. She decided then that she’d have better luck with the internet; at least it wouldn’t sound so belittling. “I guess I’ll figure it out. Thanks for your help.”

<Oh, anytime, hun,> Alena replied cheerfully. <So, when will you two be ready for a—?>

Nadine hung up, vaguely aware that she’d cut off some question she imagined she would have no interest in entertaining. She tapped into the mobile browser with one paw while cradling Liam in the other. The search engine spat out a host of fruits and vegetables that might be to blame, none of which Nadine could recall being part of her diet of late. Not that she’d stopped for a real meal recently. What did she have for breakfast, anyway? Or lunch…

_TapTapTapTapTapTapTap_

She lifted her eyes from the screen to the front door wearily. Probably someone coming to complain about the noise. She set the phone on the counter and clumsily tied the sash of her robe tighter before trudging into the living room.

“See what you’ve done?” she said to the still mewling cub in her arms, not seriously but not really in jest either. “Went and got us in trouble. Now we’re gonna be _those_ neighbors. Way to go.” The apology was already poised to launch off her tongue before she’d even opened the door fully. “I’m so sorry about all the fuss… just been one of those… days…”

Her voice trailed off as she stared out into the late afternoon gloominess. There didn’t seem to be anyone at her door now. She cracked the storm door open, looking to one side and then the other. The fur on her neck stood on end.

_Did I just get ding-dong-ditched?_

She gave the empty street one last hard look and was about to duck back inside when…

“Heya Nadine!”

“ _MROW_!” Nadine shriek-yelped and nearly leapt out of her skin, a somewhat comical reaction for a tiger to have in the presence of a bunny rabbit. “Judy! What…” She gulped. “What are you doing here?”

“Came for a visit, of course,” Judy said casually as she hopped up over the threshold and into the living-room. She paused and cast her eyes around at all the boxes and general disarray before turning back to the dumbfounded tiger still gaping by the door. Her arms crossed over her chest. “Wanted to see how you were doing.”

Nadine narrowed her eyes and closed the door. “Just fine. Obviously.”

“Obviously.”

Judy’s voice matched the tiger’s dull, lifeless tone at first, sounding almost like a challenge for Nadine to prove it in the face of a mountain of evidence that suggested otherwise. She bristled at the hard look her miniature co-worker was giving her, but before she could ramp up her indignation Judy’s face brightened into a big grin. She bounced up on the balls of her feet in excitement and clapped her paws together.

“Oh, just look at Liam!” she cooed, catching Nadine off guard. “Is that one of the onesies Clawhauser bought?”

Nadine blinked. “Oh, uh… yeah, I think so.”

“Aww, zebra print looks good on him. He’s so handsome.” Judy jumped atop the nearest stack of boxes to be more at eye level with the little cub. “And look at his fur! What a little blondie.”

“Yeah… wonder where he gets that from.” Nadine smoothed back the burnt sienna fur on his forehead, the corners of her mouth pulling down unconsciously in a frown. “Not me.”

The pause that followed lasted just a heartbeat too long, but whatever expression Judy had worn in the silence was gone by the time Nadine looked up at her again. It shifted to a mild kind of smile as the bunny hopped back down to the floor again.

“Hey, why don’t you let me take him off your paws for a few minutes?” she asked innocently, and held her arms up to Nadine.

The tiger froze, eyes alone darting from the outstretched paws to the still fussing cub and back again. “I, uhh…”

“Just a few minutes,” Judy pressed and stood up on her tip toes. “I promise. Let me get my fill of his adorable face.”

Nadine hesitated a few seconds more, but the bunny’s bright and completely confident expression compelled her to acquiesce. “Okay, just… careful!” She started as Liam left her paws and came to rest easily in Judy’s arms. She forced herself back to standing. “Careful of his head.”

Judy arched her eyebrow as she adjusted Liam into a comfortable football hold and started to rock him. “Not my first rodeo, Nadine.”

The tiger’s ears pinned back. “Right… of course not.”

Judy cooed and shushed the cub as she started to walk around. Nadine hovered close behind, every muscle in her body tight and ready to spring at the slightest provocation. But Judy had no fear of the baby she held, even as he whimpered and whined pitiably. She continued to wander as she spoke to him in soothing, singsong tones, occasionally lifting her head to observe her surroundings before moving on. Nadine’s agitation grew; it looked like the bunny was casing the condo. Eventually, she seemed satisfied and perched herself on one of the boxes. Nadine sat down on the couch nearby.

“Aww, whatsamatter, Liam?” Judy asked the little cub, and gave his forehead a gentle pat. “Having a hard time today? Tell your Auntie Judy all about it. Why so many tears?”

Nadine gave a low snort and mouthed to herself, “If you had me as a mother, you’d cry too.”

It was barely louder than a thought, but the upright rabbit ears swiveled in immediate response. Judy lifted her head with a hard stare and twitched her nose. She shifted Liam to one arm and fished her cellphone out of her pocket with the other.

“Alright, I’ve seen enough.”

Nadine blinked as she _beep boop beeped_ a few taps on her phone screen and slipped it back into her pocket. “Wait, what?”

_THUNK THUNK THUNK!_

“Door’s unlocked!” Judy called at the same time as Nadine leapt to her feet, adrenaline flowing through her now hammering heart.

The door swung inward faster than her tired legs could rush her over to it, and even as she protested, they all poured into her living room: Officers Wilde, Wolford, Snarlov, Clawhauser, and Delgato. In their arms were trays of food, groceries, cleaning supplies, simple tools. They ignored Nadine’s protests (“Wait wait WAIT STOP!”) completely, stood at attention like the officers that they were, and waited for their orders.

Officer Francine Trunkaby, too big to fit in the now very crowded living room, waved her trunk in the doorway. “Uh, Judy?”

“Sorry, Frankie, you’ll have to head around the back,” Judy said, and went to the entrance to gesture the elephant around the side of the building. “The door to the kitchen is there; you should be able to squeeze through. All the trays and groceries will be on the counters for you.” She turned back to the living room as Francine disappeared. “Wilde!”

“Yes, ma’am!” Nick clicked his heels with a smirk and a mock salute.

“That way with Frankie.” She pointed. “Get the pantry stocked and put together easy meals for the week with the trays. Load up the Tapirware and Pawrex. Make it happen.”

“You got it, Boss.”

Off the fox went and Judy turned on the other officers. “Snarlov, Itreea furniture and shelves. Get them together and up, and don’t you dare whine about it. Wolford, cleaning and trash. Delgato, get these boxes empty and start putting things away. And Clawhauser—”

“EXCUSE ME!” Nadine roared, at last finding her voice. “I didn’t ask any of you to—”

“Not waiting to be asked,” Judy interrupted with an intensely defiant expression as she faced down the tiger. She pointed toward the bedrooms. “You and Liam are with me.”

“Like hell I am,” she snarled, baring her teeth. “Get out, all of you. Get out or… or I’ll… call the…”

Nadine let her words trail off, all the ferocity flowing out of her threat as she realized—and they did also, if the simpering grins on their faces were any indication—she had no one to call. She couldn’t call the police. They _were_ the police. They were already there… and already starting on the tasks that they’d been assigned. She backed up and fell onto the couch cushions, hunched her shaking shoulders, and put her face down into her paws. Liam mewled somewhere very close, and she peeked her welling eyes out to find Judy at her side. She took hold of Nadine’s sleeve and tugged gently; the tiger was compelled to rise to her feet and follow as she was led toward the nursery.

Judy paused at the hallway, turned slightly, and said, “Clawhauser.”

His ears pressed flat beneath the look she shot him. “…Yeah?”

“Baby supplies and storage solutions. Kits and Cubboodle, Downtown on Hill Street. Take the subway there and I’ll text you a list.”

Clawhauser squeaked with glee, bolted out the door, and pulled it closed. Judy’s glare swept over the other mammals in the room, who launched into motion as though they had already been working. Satisfied that they were fulfilling the tasks she’d assigned, she continued to the nursery with Nadine in tow, and closed the door behind them.

If there was one thing that Nadine was sure of, it was that Judy would find absolutely no fault with that room. It was organized, stocked, and spotless. It had décor and fresh paint on the walls, interesting images for Liam to look at. In the midst of a world that seemed to be very bleak, this was a little splash of color and she was actually quite proud of it.

“Sit,” Judy ordered, and indicated the rocker in the corner. Nadine sat sullenly, and Judy offered Liam back to her as she added, “He’s hungry. You feed him, and then we’ll talk.”

Nadine sulked and cast a hard glare, but still began to go through the motions to feed the little cub yet again anyway. At least when he was suckling, he wasn’t crying; she’d trade her comfort for a few minutes of quiet at this point.

That’s not what she ended up with, though. Although he latched as usual, within a few seconds he was bawling again, cries that were laced with frustration. Nadine rocked and shushed him desperately as she felt Judy’s assessing gaze upon her, an inner voice whispering _failure_ over and over again between her ears. The bunny closed the closet she had been in the middle of evaluating and stalked back to the rocking chair.

“What’s wrong?”

“I don’t…” She attempted to reposition him, but his tiny paws just pushed and flailed weakly. “He’s not even trying.”

Judy leapt atop the arm of the chair, purple eyes boring into the wide, glassy amber ones. She tugged roughly on one of Nadine’s ears, then pushed her lip back to the gums.

She hissed through her clenched teeth. “You’re dehydrated.” She let go and stooped down in front of Nadine’s face. “When did you eat last?”

“I, uhh…” Her brain short circuited; she didn’t even have the wherewithal to lie under the intensity of the rabbit’s critical glare.

Judy cursed and jumped down from the chair. She made a beeline for the door. It was cracked for only a few seconds to bellow, “SOMEONE BRING A PLATE OF FOOD AND SOME WATER NOW,” in a voice that would have even made Chief Bogo cringe before she slammed it shut once more.

Nadine laid her ears back and said feebly, “That was a little dramatic. I’m fine.”

“The hell you are,” Judy all but growled, drawing her cell phone out of her pocket again. She hit the speed dial and put it to her ear. It picked up immediately. “New marching orders, Benji. We need bottles. Find the formula aisle and get a case of the ready-made stuff and powder, also. Look for a big-cat formula first, and if you can’t find that then a predator suitable substitute will be fine. Come back as soon as you can.”

She stabbed her finger into the phone screen to hang up and stowed it away in her pocket. Her foot thumped the floor as she threw her arms out in a gesture that wordlessly asked “wtf?” at Nadine.

She shook her head. “I don’t need any of that.”

“ _You_ don’t. _He_ does.” Judy pointed at the still mewling cub in the tiger’s arms. “You haven’t been taking care of yourself and now you’re dry.”

Nadine’s face blanked. “Wh-wha…?”

“Milk production might start up again if you get some good food in you and rest,” Judy continued, “but that’s a big maybe. Can’t wait for that. He needs something to eat now.”

The devastating words came at her like a trash compactor; slow, blunt, and with no way to stop them from crushing her. Her chest heaved. It was the last straw, the very last straw. The one thing she was supposed to be able to do for this baby as his mother she’d somehow managed to fuck up, and now he was hungry and crying and oh God now so was she, how could it all fall apart like this...?

_Tap tap tap._

The jarring sound somehow managed to pause the swelling tears and Nadine turned her head aside in embarrassment. Judy glared back at the door with an impatient, “Yeah?”

The door cracked open and Wolford popped his head in warily, as though he half expected it might get chopped off. He gave them both cursory glances, afraid to acknowledge the obvious anguish that hung in the air between them. He opened the door a little more, just far enough to edge in a plate with a tuna melt sandwich and cup of water set on it.

“Is this enough?” he asked tentatively. “The other trays are still warming.”

Judy took the plate with both arms and said, “Fine. We’ll be out in a few minutes.”

He ducked his head back out as Judy kicked the door closed. The salty, savory scent of the food made Nadine’s mouth water and her stomach clench. All the days of forgetting what a normal routine even felt like caught up to her, pummeled her in the most vulnerable places with a nasty taunt of _irresponsible_. Hissing breaths came rough and ragged through her flared nostrils. Judy placed the plate carefully on the nightstand beside the rocking chair and then climbed up onto it herself to sit at Nadine’s elbow. She plucked a few tissues from the box there and tucked one into the tiger’s paw. She wiped it absently over her face.

“His food will be here soon. Why don’t you start on yours in the meantime, hmm?” Judy said gently, and folded the other tissues over her lap like a blanket, ready should they be needed. Nadine glanced at the plate and though it looked enticing her stomach felt so upset she was sure she’d throw up the first bite she took. Judy waited, and then added, “Look, it’s not the end of the world, alright? Clawhauser will be back in a just a little bit. We’ll all have dinner and chat; Liam will have a nice warm bottle. Very simple.”

But it wasn’t simple when all that Nadine heard in her brain was the sweet nurse at the hospital admonishing her gently but repeatedly to keep giving him the ‘steak’ and not the ‘easy fast-food burger’ formulas, and that he’d never come back to her if she switched back and forth to a bottle, and how many later medical conditions and diseases were reduced for breastfed over formula fed cubs, and and and and…

She swallowed hard. “But it’s still… not as good as…”

“As what, Nadine? As _air_?” Judy asked with renewed frustration. She smoothed her ears back with a deep breath to soften her next words. “If the ‘best’ isn’t doable, then good is good enough. Do you think it’s a black mark on you forever if you give him a bottle instead?”

“Isn’t it?”

“…No. No, it really isn’t.” She tilted her head and raised an eyebrow. “What’s the big deal how he eats as long as he’s getting the nutrition he needs?”

Nadine bit her lip and looked away. “That wasn’t the plan.”

“Well, the ‘plan’ didn’t work out. Time for a new plan. That’s a big part of being a parent, or didn’t any of the _books_ mention that?” Judy shook her head and scrunched her nose; her annoyance was obvious, though it wasn’t exactly clear where it was being directed. “Listen. You’re doing your best, but he’s hungry and you have nothing more in you to give him. You need to eat and you need to rest.”

“I need to take care of him.”

“Someone should take care of you, too.” A tiny rabbit paw was set gently but firmly on her shoulder, and forced Nadine to meet with Judy’s sincere, very concerned, face. “You can’t take care of him if you wind up in the hospital.”

The tears again began to well, and somehow the numbness that had taken hold these past days cracked apart to reveal something so upsettingly backward inside, so chaotic and illogical it made her empty stomach sick. There was only genuine caring and simple sense coming from her friend, caring for her wellness as well as her cub’s. So simple, and yet it just hadn’t occurred to her that they might both be considered equally important things. Still, around and around the downward spiral she circled; there was nothing to hold on to to stop her descent. She gave a hysterical, teary bark of a laugh.

“What is the matter with me?” she asked and wiped her nose with the back of her sleeve. “I don’t… even know why I can’t… get it together right now. Inn’t that… just make so much sense, right? I don’t know… even what possessed me… to think I could… be a… mother and… lo and behold... I went and screwed everything right up… just like I thought I… would…”

Judy frowned. “This isn’t exactly a walk in the park, Nadine. When new parents have their first litter in Bunnyburrow, no one just leaves them to it alone. Every day someone visits to run errands and to cook and to clean. Build things if need be. It’s hard. You need help.”

“I don’t even think he likes me, and I really wouldn’t blame him if he doesn’t, either…” There was a prodding at the back of her mind somewhere that in real time attempted to refute the words she just said, but even recognizing that wasn’t enough and she continued along in the tumble that somehow seemed right though it was so dark. She held Liam over her shoulder and nuzzled against him gently, an action she was sure the quieting baby wanted no part of but that she needed to give in lieu of the next words that he wouldn’t hear or understand. “I’m sorry you got a broken mama, baby. I don’t know why I thought I could ever do this, I’m sorry…”

Judy pressed her lips together, chewed on her words for a moment, and then sighed. “You should make a doctor’s appointment.”

“I already have the first six months of appointments scheduled…”

“Not for him. For you.” She moved her paw to Nadine’s cheek, a strangled expression on her face. “I’m worried. We all are. All this, what you’re saying doesn’t sound like you at all. And… I think you might need to take something or talk to someone to take the edge off until you get through this rough patch. It’s gone beyond ‘baby blues’ now. There’s no reason to wallow in all this misery. Please. You need help.”

Somewhere inside—deep down, so far at the bottom of the dark abyss that had formed in her—that made sense, but trying to snatch and hold it seemed impossible. It wriggled away, slipped from her and disappeared, immediately replaced with the same endless barrage of _broken_ and _worthless_ and _failure_ that had been eddying in her brain all week. She shook her head hard as if that would bring the glimmer that she saw so briefly back, but it was gone. Nadine wrinkled her muzzle and showed her teeth to the wall in frustration.

“Somehow everyone else can figure this out. Why can’t I do it right?”

“You’re doing fine,” Judy assured her, and gave her shoulder a gentle pat. “Eventually all these hormones will get balanced out again and you’ll see that. You just need to take a little break right now.”

Nadine shook her head. “Can’t.”

“Why not?”

“Scared.”

“Of what?”

“If something happens, it’s my fault.”

“Nadine, there are seven other mammals in this house who are perfectly capable of watching a baby for a few hours. Nothing is going to happen while you close your eyes and let us.” She waggled her eyebrows subtly, a mischievous action that belonged around the break room table at Precinct One. “You can trust the police, can’t you?”

It was a flippant little prod, as close to a joke as the situation really could handle, but it was enough. Nadine looked at her cub and back at Judy and the little glimmer sparked in the darkness again. This time, she managed to keep it in her sights. She took an unsteady breath and let it out slowly.

“…I guess.”

“There,” Judy said with a cautious smile. “Now was that so hard?”

“You have no idea.”

“No… I’m sure I don’t.” Judy leaned her head against Nadine’s shoulder and squeezed her arm in a small hug. “It’s gonna be all right.”

“Yeah…” For the first time in more than a week it really felt like it might be. She attempted a smirk then added in a complete deadpan, “Well, at least maybe my nipples will start to recover.”

“Oh my _God_!” Judy laughed and shoved her shoulder. “Nadine!”

“They could probably cut glass about now.”

“TMI!”

The bunny’s giggles were infectious and Nadine couldn’t help but crack a smile of her own… the first real smile she’d had all week. Judy managed to rein in her laughter and picked the plate up, then waggled it in front of Nadine’s nose in temptation. The twisting turmoil in her gut gave way to honest hunger and the sandwich was gone in three enormous bites, followed by the water. No sooner had she wolfed down the little snack than there came another tap at the door. Nick popped his head in.

“How we doing in here, ladies?” he asked.

Judy hopped down from the nightstand. “Better than we were. What’s the status out there?”

He jerked his thumb over his shoulder. “Clawhauser’s on his way back. Whatever couldn’t fit in the fridge is on the table to eat while we work. Also a couple of pizzas, because I’m awesome like that.”

Judy laughed and patted his head playfully. “Knew I could count on you, you dumb fox. We’ll be right in.” He ducked back out and closed the door. Judy turned to Nadine with a grin and a wave. “Come on. A little dinner and a show? I know _I_ want to watch all the guys fail to put that hutch together.”

Nadine gave a grimace as she rose to her feet with Liam now asleep on her shoulder. “That’s harsh, Judy. When I tried to read those directions, I thought I had a stroke.”

“Good old Itreea,” Judy said in mock solemnity. “Built to last the rest of your life… because you’ll probably kick the bucket while putting it together.”

They snickered softly together as they left the nursery to rejoin the rest of the officers out in the living room.

Nadine wasn’t sure what to expect from her friends that night, but whatever she held within the realm of her imagination was inadequate. What she got from them was so much more.

Clawhauser, who had two younger sisters and half a dozen young cousins, was far and away the best suited for the task Judy gave him. He returned beaming with confidence and cleverness, having only gone slightly overboard with his purchases. The jovial cheetah didn’t even await direction before prepping and sterilizing all the bottles and their accessories, hanging the decorative yet functional wire rack up on the wall of the kitchen, and pouring a nice warm bottle for the hungry cub.

Nadine hovered as the cheetah fussed over little Liam while he drank, though it was obvious before very long that there was no need. Like Judy, Benjamin was more than proficient at his duty, and he shooed her away to eat and sit and keep out of the way.

They wouldn’t let her do anything. Any small offering of “could I just…?” or “maybe let me…” was met with gentle scolding and a tattle to Judy immediately, who was not at all gentle about forcing Nadine to put her feet up and just chat. They did watch the hilarity unfold while Snarlov attempted to assemble the furniture pieces with instructions that were only barely in Common. He cried for reinforcements when none of the corners lined up right.

Frankie was mostly confined to the kitchen for the duration, as there simply wasn’t enough space for her in the living room with everyone else. Despite this, she still made her presence known as they all talked merrily across the threshold, poking her head around the jamb now and then with a wide grin and snarky retort to Nick and Wolford’s off-color jokes. She had the pantry stocked and organized to perfection, appliances shined spotless.

Within just a few hours, all the food was eaten and their tasks were complete. Nadine could see the floor of her bedroom again. There were pictures and shelves on the walls. The boxes were all unpacked and gone, laundry folded and put away, knickknacks arranged on almost completely put together furniture (they were only missing two screws at the end, which was itself a miracle). They could all sit in the neat, organized living room in Nadine’s condo, a place that now at last actually felt like a home. They told stories and passed the sleepy little infant around between them. Belly full and comfortable, Liam hardly made a peep the rest of the evening, except to fart in Delgato’s arms so spectacularly that it had everyone in hysterics right up until they had to sprint to the nearest open window gasping for fresh oxygen.

“ _HRRK!_ ” Delgato gagged and waved his paw frantically in front of his face after relinquishing the cub to Judy. “ _Damn_ , kid, where were you storing that one??” He blinked his watering eyes at Nadine and Judy, who were smirking in amusement at the spectacle. “How are you both just sitting there? My eyes are _burning_!”

“You should stay to change the next diaper,” Judy said lightly. “You don’t know biological warfare until you’ve smelled…”

He looked at his wrist as though there were a watch on it. “Heeeeyyyyyyyy, is that the time? I have first shift tomorrow so maybe I’ll just, uhh…”

“COWARD!” Francine shouted from the kitchen. They all burst into a new round of laughter, roasting Delgato without mercy as he sputtered clumsily and tried to defend himself.

Nadine watched quietly from the couch. She hadn’t said much as they all sat together; admittedly, there were a few times during the conversations and all the bustle that she had just rested her head back on the couch and started to doze off. No one woke her when she did, letting her drift comfortably in and out of the discussions, content and at ease in the knowledge that both she and her cub were safe here among friends.

And as the others began to rise and finish the night with clearing away the paper plates and cups and napkins to the trash, she just stared at them. How could she possibly thank the mammals who’d come unbidden to her, when she was so paralyzed, so isolated, so ashamed she didn’t know how to reach them? When she most needed someone and couldn’t even admit she did?

It was Nick who was closest to her while she mentally grappled with her dumb tongue, mouth opening and closing without forming any sentences. Couldn’t find the words… were there even words adequate enough to express what she felt for what they’d done? He studied her face, saw clearly all that was there as though it were written in fluorescent marker, and tilted his head with an abundance of understanding.

“Ever been to the Burrows, Stripes?” he asked. Nadine shook her head dully. Nick nodded and then patted her leg. “Darlin’, this right here was a barn raising. That’s all.”

Her throat tightened and she barely managed to nod in response. He gave her a little salute, and headed toward the door along with the others who were now grabbing their assorted containers to head home. They gave Nadine pleasant goodbyes, warm hugs, and promises that they’d visit again soon whether she liked it or not. When they’d all filed out and Francine had squeezed herself out of the kitchen at last, Judy closed the door.

“Well, that turned out well.” Judy repositioned the sleeping cub in her arms as she looked up at his mother. “Ready to get some shut eye?”

“I’m not holding my breath for that kind of miracle,” she said, and a powerful yawn overcame her no sooner had the words left her mouth. She gulped it back and blinked away the ensuing haze in her eyes as she held out her paws to take her baby once more.

But Judy shook her head. “Oh no. You’re off duty. Aunty Judy has the night shift tonight.” She winked and pointed at her ears. “Nothing can possibly get past a fluffy bunny stuffie with fine-tuned ears like these, right?”

Nadine blinked. “Judy…”

“Bed. Now.” Judy pointed to Nadine’s open bedroom door. “And don’t set an alarm. You’ll know it’s time to get up when you smell pancakes.”

The tiger gave the bunny a huff and a smirk. “Good luck wielding the spatula, rabbit.”

“I accept that challenge!”

They laughed softly at the mild joking for a moment. Though they hadn’t been talking all that loudly, the sound and the jostling made Liam stir. He gave a tiny mew against Judy’s shoulder and his squirming intensified.

“Ohh, someone wants to say goodnight to his mama.” She offered the cub back to Nadine and added, “I’ll go warm his bottle. Be right back.”

He scrunched his face, winding up for a mighty cry, then… cracked one eye open. And realizing that he could, he blinked and opened them both. With how much he looked like his father Nadine was certain that they would be the same frigid blue, but they weren’t. They were a rich, warm amber, bright as a summer sunset.

His eyes were _her_ eyes.

And there they were, mother and son, staring upon one another with new-found wonder. It wasn’t until she felt the undeniable force snap into place that she realized all the dread and the terror that had taken up every nook and cranny in her head had kept this soul-changing link from coming into being. She couldn’t believe how she had ever managed without it. Was this what being bonded felt like? How had she never noticed before that she was without something so wonderful?

When Judy returned with a warm bottle in her paw, she found the tiny tiger nuzzled up to his mom’s face, the steady and distinct sound of purring coming from the both of them. She stood by and waited patiently until the little baby’s purrs began to give way to more urgent noises.

“I have it, Liam, don’t worry,” Judy said gently, and Nadine lifted her head at last to let her cub’s nighttime sitter take it from there. Strong, confident, brimming with nearly as much tenderness as Nadine felt now in her own chest Judy took him in her arms and settled on the couch. He took the bottle and began suckling immediately, arms and legs half curling up around it as he fed. Judy looked up with a smile. “I think we’re fine now, _Mom_. Off with you. Sleep well.”

“I’ll try.” She turned to the hallway and glanced back. “You can still wake me if you need anything, though.”

Judy nodded and waved her paw dismissively in her general direction. She kept her face turned to the feeding cub and hummed a soft melody down at him as his eyes fluttered sleepily. Nadine’s did also.

There were still no words to adequately express the gratitude she had for what her friend had done… but luckily, it didn’t seem any were really necessary. Maybe she’d be able to find some in the morning.

Nadine closed her door part way, leaving it cracked just a bit as she crawled into bed, then closed her eyes and let the sounds of the lullaby send her off into a deep and restful sleep that most new parents could only dream of.


End file.
